Grace & Peace Loves!
It’s been a while since I wrote. Just a disclaimer, it’s not the amount of blogs should I write but the Spirit truly leading me to share what’s on my heart. Yea I have ideas, things I want to write about, but I write base off my experiences with and knowledge from God, and of course topics I’m sure we all can relate to as Christians and as people. This time, the Spirit tugged on my heart to write about a way I have been feeling for a while during my singleness. I’m feeling stuck in the middle…
I’ve accepted my singleness. I understand that this is a divine assignment from God where He wants me to be in my life. I’m fulfilling some of His purposes for my life daily, as I love my job working with young children and their families, I’m graduating with my 2nd Masters, I’m continuing my education beyond graduating, I’m just in all my dealings, I believe that I am a woman of integrity. But there is a part of me that feels empty at times, like there is a void that needs to be filled soon. This void of not having a significant partner to speak to/with, a thrill, a care giver, a lover. I don’t question God because I know He has me right where He wants me. This is the human side of me, the flesh part of me that begins to fill my mind with thoughts to take matters into my own hands.
In the beginning of my singleness before I realized my position in God’s Will, I reached out to a guy I use to talk to back in undergrad; we had a sexual relationship. But I knew he liked me so maybe it could go beyond sex and turn into something bigger. He has two degrees, a great job, family oriented, and unlike before he seemed that he has mature; he looked like a great prospect. He doesn’t have a relationship with Christ though, but he said he believes in God and one day he will start going to church–church just can’t fit into his schedule right now. But God! I’m tired of all these uneducated men who don’t have good jobs..why isn’t this one a prospect? God revealed to me that even though this man had a good physical resume, his heart was so broken, he only used worldly things attempting to fill his voids. This guy didn’t want more from me. He wanted just what he wanted and that was sex and company, some of the worldly things he thought could mend his broken heart he didn’t even realize he had. I got pulled into this man’s schemes for quite a while, allowing him to fill my head with lies. Nothing changed about this man between now and before. God just delivered me from my previous relationship with my daughter’s father and yet I wasn’t delivered from the way I view relationships. Continuing to read my Bible, praying, talking to God: God told me “I forbid you to go over that house!” Yes, God had to get with me hard because He saw what was happening and God cares about me that much, He saved me. I expressed to this man that I need a man who has a relationship with Christ. Nothing changed, today that man is still the same, and I cut him off for good and I haven’t gone over that man’s house either.
Okay so I began talking to another ex, actually my daughter’s father. Mind you, he hasn’t been in our lives since September 2015. The time we reconnected was November 19, 2016 thru January 2nd, 2017, yes that time exactly. Another relationship where sex was at the center. I expressed my desire to have a Godly relationship. He wanted me back and in a crazy way I wanted the same. However, the lack of self-control revealed to me that this was not who God had for me. How was I getting myself caught back up again becoming stuck in the middle of a sinful situation? The same relationship that stressed, depressed, and oppressed me with a man who had no desire for Christ. It’s no way I put in all this time to get close to God to break my fellowship with him over a man. Okay so my ex was doing a little better in life than before but his heart was still broken and he still used worldly things to cover up his voids. I thought I had had enough time in my singleness to understand myself and my feelings. Again my eyes were not quite delivered to view a relationship totally God’s way.
Recently, I reached out to another ex. Okay so this man is doing really good for himself. A Master degree, traveling, a great job that he loves, still the go-getter I once knew. My flesh feelings convinced me to reach out. I even asked God and he said: “If you reach out, that’s your choice.” So I reached out via social media. We begin messaging back and forth, I ask can we exchange phone numbers, he says yes and that he has a fiance. My mouth dropped. I thought to myself, “What did I really want from him?” I realized that everyone I have reached out to in the past two years, God has not only told me no but showed me no. I felt stuck in the middle where there are doors all around me and every door is being shut or already shut and locked. I finally realized that I was not stuck in life, but stuck in the middle of God’s Will.
God has a plan for me. He has a plan for you too! Have you ever tried to reconnect and rekindle a relationship with your ex, and it just didn’t work out? Do you believe that you are single for a reason and that God has a plan for your life? And that’s maybe why no relationships or situations-ships you were in worked out? God doesn’t give us what we want, He gives us what He wants! I am so stuck at the center of God’s Will, I couldn’t move even if I wanted to. It is a bit uncomfortable but I seek comfort from the Lord which He gives 24/7. God revealed to me that no past relationship is good enough for my identity in Christ. Which means God is preparing something so great for me, I must be anchored and hope in His Word with expectancy in my heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-14 (NLT) says: “For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you future and hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.” God will bring us our OWN homes, our OWN relationships and friendships, our OWN marriages, our OWN ministries, our OWN purpose, if we seek him and understand that He is in control because He is God and God alone. God knows the plans He has for us and we have choice to accept these plans or keep trying to open doors that He closed before. And with the abundance of forgiveness, grace, loving, kindness that comes with Jesus Christ, we need to know He will keep us in our times of desperation and discomfort. We have to trust God and read His Word.
I’m stuck right where I am because God has plans for me. God is preparing me to receive the blessing He has in store. Each situation grows me and delivers me to view my life through God’s lenses. A man that has an active relationship with Christ and lives righteously is the man I am waiting for God to send me. No job, degrees or good deeds will compromise my desire to have a man of God.
We have to talk to God and consult with Him about our desires and problems. We have to be obedient and be in agreement with God. God talks & listens! Yes He will give you personal commands and promises He has for you. God spoke to me and told me: “You don’t know him (my prospective spouse) yet!” No men I have known before or now is who God has for me. So now I watch. I continue to wait on the Lord. I place my hope in the Lord and his promises. I watch for my deliverance. I do this stuck in the middle of God’s Will.
It’s possible my love! It’s not easy but it is joy in waiting on the Lord!